Sleepless in Seattle!

I am quite sleepless tonight. That is precisely one reason why I am posting this post.

But I am not in Seattle! Because as far as I know, only nerds and geeks reside there. And how can somebody as ‘creative and colourful’ as me be a part of the world which is all about pairing down of all frills and flounces.

How can I be here? A world where silicon rules. And yes even people stay here. And yes different people with different viewpoints but still members of the geek guild. It is well-known that they would love to watch Star trek reruns then go to the college prom. Though I am still trying to maintain an objective viewpoint and preserve the fact that geeks are the most resourceful of all. After all, the complete world today stands on them. But I think life did change for the computer when geeks happened to it or vice versa.

But silicon? I can’t do without it but more then that I can’t do without looking at things with so many different dimensions. Well I don’t choose my thoughts and emotions sensibly and go according to what I feel is right to whatever degree. I have never ever believed in the Feng shui fact that clearing out the clutter in my living will clear the clutter in my life. Because I feel everything including the clutter is a part of my life and can be used in some or the other way. I don’t like to give away clothes and things (books, my old bylines, wrappers of gifts given to me, old birthday cards, kiddie friendship bands) that I haven’t used in the last few years because of my emotional connection with these things.

But how the hell can I see Mr Bill Gates in his grey business suit entering the Microsoft building.

“Hey Mr. Gates, How are you?”

One look at me and he says “Who are you?”

“Well I have read quite a lot about you. How about a cup of coffee?”

He is shocked at my randomness and thinks that I am some crazy admirer of his. (This is quite evident from his face.)

“But who are you?” he repeats himself

“I am illogical.”

“Well those people can’t set foot in my company.”

“So you think that all the people in your company are logical, rational and coherent?”

“Without a doubt, Yes.”

“Cool. So what is the reason behind chips and cookies, as in calling them by these names- such regular features of our computers? Well! So much for the love of food?”

“Nah, there is some other reason to this. Mike??”

“Well Mr. Gates, everything does not have Yes or No as its answer. There are things which don’t have an answer. Do you like computers?”

“Of course I do.”

“And flowers in your garden?”

“Yeah. They are pretty things.”

“How about the sky?”

“Well I don’t know. It can be different at different times.”

“Try checking out the drawing that your daughter made with her wax crayons today. It’s a landscape with a grey sky, winging eagles, buildings that are black and its written at the top- ‘The world today’. But don’t you think that the sky is supposed to be turquoise blue with pretty sparrows in the sky (By the way I haven’t seen a sparrow in ages), elevated glass buildings. One thing is common though- ‘The world today’.”

And I laugh like mad and fly away like a genome into the sky. Well I am yet to meet the eagles. I enter my room and go back to sleep.

Sleepless? Not anymore.

My Encounter with Justifications regarding Temptations of Flesh

I am quite a feminist when it comes to my personal views on women and their empowerment. So while writing what I am just going to, I hope I do not ‘greatly’ rub up the wrong way and offend any feminist sensibilities of my fellow blog readers and more then that my own self, when I say that politics and statecraft have been, and are predominantly male domains.

Somehow I hate meeting politicians and bureaucrats. Though I haven’t met many in my short freelancing career of two years but whoever I have met has ended up giving me some or the other reason to detest the complete bandwagon of the political and bureaucratic system.

I had not planned any formal meeting today. The hot and sunny day today had to be all about doing a fitness interview with one of the finalists of Miss India contest, a story for the campus page and another something on relationships.

But as they say, what you don’t think in your wildest dreams happens. I bumped into this tall hefty guy, roughly about 32 years of age, who asked me about one of the correspondents while going downstairs.

“Towards the left,” I said.

The correspondent was rushing for his story and asked me to interview this guy regarding one of the front page issues in the paper. Though the interview wasn’t very important since, he had to give me a few justifications on the behalf of the administration, which was only going to bind a few strings for that correspondent’s next story.

He was a bureaucrat with the administration though not at a very high post but at a level where he knew what went on in the government and he being a small part of it was here to meet the correspondent.

The interview hardly lasted 7 minutes and by the 8th minute it was all about his off the record views which lasted for the next 15 minutes.

“Well don’t quote me on this one but things are not as bad as they seem to be. Its just about making a few mutual arrangements these days.” He said.

“Well I know that and I believe we all, including the citizens know that.”

The discussion carried on for a while but his last few justifications were mind-boggling. Though we are quite familiar with these things and read about them in papers but such directness in my face? I had never faced truth in such a naked way. It seemed as if somebody was continuously throwing acid on my face and I was just sitting there watching him, neither able to run away, nor able to hit him back.

“Well madam, the hours are long, the work is demanding, the routine monotonous and the pay poor. So where do these politicians and bureaucrats go for leisure. I think they are very human and prey to the same temptation and lure of flesh that afflicts us mortal men.”

The word ‘us’ was another surprise in his kitty and I actually pondered for a while as to Was it true? Afterall this guy had so much conviction in his tone.

Not paying heed to the conflict inside me he continued. “Thus there is a sharp, short, tactful extra marital association with the lady of the night, one who is easy, decorous and well versed with the art of pleasing. She is not necessarily a whore but, admittedly she has no great moral pressures about lending her body in return for the dubious distinction of mingling with power. And let me tell you women journalists are in great demand.”

“What?” I could not stop myself

But he went on, “And I think it is ok also. The men who are guiding the nation need to be the men of the world in their widest sense of that term. I think the amorousness can be justified because these men shoulder immense responsibilities. If his carnal appetites are full, of course he will govern better.”

With this he ended his ‘speech’ and went away leaving me staggered, surprised, ‘enlightened’ (pun intended). A somewhat putrid feeling overcoming me. With such simplicity he had justified everything.

What the hell is happening? Is it right or is it wrong? And more then that what can we do if at all we think it is wrong? Who is this man of power cheating on? His women and family? His country or for that matter nobody (since it is his personal life). I am still raking my brain and trying to get out of the trivia that has suddenly overcome my mind.

The only answer that comes to me is that we cannot have a right to confront any ‘man of power’ who has a mistress tucked away somewhere, but if, with this he preaches morality and his personal liaisons have an effect on his professional conduct then the citizenry and the fourth estate has every right to brazen out at him.

But the complete effortlessness and ease with which this guy justified everything is something that remains with me.

The Moment before Ultimate

The world snoozes in a deep slumber
While I lay awake in bed
And think of - sunshine
Grasshoppers hatching and flickering across the countryside
The lustre stippled rocks embossed with the finery of a guide
Swollen peaches exploding as their splits give life to a newborn
Spangled in front of my eyes, are massive fields of the golden corn

Enthused by the atmosphere
The dormant passion in me rises to formidable heights
And an entirely discrete world inside me,
tries to penetrate the veil and fly like a kite
I now become aware of the power betwixt me and my soul
All I need is, to harmonise and channelise it towards my goal

As a girl finally tries to morph into a woman
I rise, elevated, to touch thee
The world suddenly gasps, and sits wide awake to see
While I wait for the final frontiers to coerce
The ice of human apathy starts melting under the heat
It seems that there is no place anywhere for the unkind deceit

That one moment, before the ultimate
Fills my being with hope and pleasure
A moment, like which there will be no other
As gentle as the dew on the grass
As passionate as the rolling ocean’s class

But suddenly I see myself falling back from the cliff
I pass the dew craggy leaves hanging limp
With drained, riveted half-shut eyes
I pass, the plum trees splashed
With a crimson gore of a slaughtered beast’s vice
I groan and shout my heart out
All beneath the dark wrapper of a creepy night sky
But my voice sinks in a cacophony of cries

Although, the only thing that I still recall
Is that one moment before the ultimate
I see the sea that beckons and charms
The unfathomable that delights and beguiles
Embracing the mysteries of the deep
The sea lulls the soul to a peaceful sleep.

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According to The Alchaemist, 'the darkest hour is before dawn' which according to me is not entirely true because that time can be as beautiful as the dawn itself.

Wanna Go Soul Selling?

I had just gone to sleep when suddenly there was a sound that startled me. It seemed as if somebody had fallen down on the thick mortar area with a loud thud. I looked inside me and checked the soul, it was intact.

As I ventured out into the balcony of my room I saw a man get up from the ground, in perfect shape and walking without a limp, as was expected.

But then in split second, he floats upwards towards the balcony, as if without any mass and steadily floats right in front of me, 6 stories above the ground.

“Wanna meet the vultures from downtown who are sitting at that big tombstone in the form of church that you see, giving some dashing smiles?”

“Nah” I said

“So how about the dogs in the third street? They like to sleep.”

“Sorry, not interested”

“Well, there is another option. Gold and silver pieces. Just meet the bats.”

“Thanks but no thanks”

“Bitch, what is the attitude for. Well anyways it is going to be difficult for you to survive till tomorrow.”

“That’s ok. I know the rules of the rat race. But whatever you might say, at the end of it all I am still going to be a rat.”

“Well you can be a classy rat who is ‘well healed’ and satisfying. And yes you will be the first one to finish.”

“Get the hell out of here”

With a big bright smile amid a snarl that is soon transformed into a grunty laughter, he floats up another story.

“Knock Knock, Wanna go soul selling? We go soul searching and buy you a new one. Something that feels better and makes you look better. So how bout the dogs??”

“I am game. Lets go. But hurry up. I have to be back by dawn. Wont be able to sleep at night tomorrow so will have to sleep in the afternoons.” the male voice answers right above my head.

I sit on my bed and look inside me and check the soul.

I go back to sleep. It is sound and beautiful then ever.

…………………………………………………………..


Dreams, in sleep and out of sleep, more of them coming these days because of a liberated mind that was occupied by so much other stuff sometime back. It is becoming the time where soul and mind are processing the path of quest, to understand one’s own self in a totally different way.

The Starting Point

I laughed.

I laughed again.

No I had not gone crazy. I was just trying to make myself secure and comfortable with a fraction of me or let me put it this way, fractions of me, which I did not know about.

The regularity of this feeling is becoming hard for me to handle. And let me make it clear, laughing also isn’t helping much.

But why is this sensation striking me?

I am not in love. I am still going by Island Girl’s Tantra Tee, ‘Single and Unavailable’. Nor am I depressed or hating my own self. (This happens by the way). I am not extraordinarily happy also. All is happening the way it is supposed to.

Once I laugh, its hard on the stomach, its hard on the throat, it is hard on my fundamental nature and it is becoming even harder on my worth.

There are voices that draw closer from different directions and give me the talismans I don’t want, or may be I don’t need. The voices that are adoring, typical, run of the mill, cynical, scathing and then there are no voices. Absolute hush.

At times when I don’t hear voices, I see smiles, that are bonbon, polite, wicked, impious and then there is a time when there are no smiles.

If its not smiles I see frowns, that are contorts, puckered brows, scowls and then there is a time when there are no frowns.

So I can’t laugh.
But do I need to mull over and cry?
Or do I need to gnash my teeth, and shout at the top of my voice?
Or do I need to just chill out and let things pass?

Well all these are tried and tested methods that have not helped anybody. So how can they help me?

Is mysticism an answer? I don’t think so.

I try and concentrate on what I have gathered, slowly and painfully, adding to it, amending it and yes, like being the way I am.

Remembering the starting point can let me savour life in a better fashion.

All this was triggered by a statement that was made some time back, “As a woman you are too pure to be a part of the profession that you have got yourself into.”

How bout some Mountain Dew??

Its Green, its clear and it has a fizz which you don’t see right away. Once you take a mouthful of it, the tang straight away wallops, hitting you at the right spot…..almost in a way reminiscent of a speedy cardiac unit giving thumps at irregular intervals.

If I am in...

An awful frame of mind: - It helps to cheer up the mood in such a neat way. Not like Vodka in which you can immerse yourself, but by being what it is. Unadorned, with no frills and a matter-of-fact. No airy-fairy.

An absolutely fine mood: - During its consumption, at times things don’t change much and at times they just don’t want to change out of reluctance and at times all pre-concieved notions just fall flat and one feels bound to change.

A ‘no’ mood (neither awful nor fine): - Then it gives trance. As if you are busy exploring your own self while savouring the delight. Or at times you are busy walking around the world, with ‘it’ trying to give a hard time to the think tank. Or an abstraction leaving you to explore a new world- ‘Dreams’

Providing a conduit: - It is a feel good factor, providing a conduit to things that are going wrong ‘with me’ and ‘in me’. Reason- the ingredients of it remain akin, wherever and whatever place you try and put them and still not minding the surge of the current.

Well, not that I am trying to advertise for Mountain Dew but try a proxy as ‘Nothingman’, or ‘A Story a Day’ in place of ‘It’ and things will be clear

..................................................................................................

Its Nothingman’s friend’s birthday today but any disentanglement of both the two will lead to a total fallacy of the essence of ‘it’ that I just tried to put in plain words (However vague it may be.)
Many Happy returns of the day….We are dying, as you say, but lets have fun till we are alive. And yes the world might go off anytime with a big bang so keep your music and Mountain Dew handy!!!!

And ya..next time we meet, how about some Mountain Dew???

Cheers!!!

And for those of you who have been wondering what is Green for, then find it out yourself.

Me and Martha

Blending the acoustic of his accordion with the percussion of his drums, David seemed quite worried.

‘How is this going to happen? My first show ever and that too with Stivens Merrick.’

Martha was watching the very handsome David’s face. “He is worth dying for.” She thought to herself.

The people had already adjusted themselves in their seats and were waiting for the show to begin. All eyes riveted towards the stage, with apprehensions equal on both sides.

Sitting near the refugee camp, east of Africa, a seventeen year old poor boy with a baby in his arms seems to be distressed. His sister’s ‘rape baby’ looks at him with his intent eyes and gives a loud cry as if saying ‘I am hungry’.

He looks at him. “You are the outcome of an incident that has dragged life out of my sister, but you will live to see this world.”

And suddenly the baby starts howling again.

How treacherous can life be. At this point of time, his promise made to the baby seemed to be slipping out of his hands. Hands that were holding him, a mass of flesh and blood- starved and all ready to die.

But where do I buy you milk from. His poverty and refugee status was a clear answer to his situation.

Control over life by man seemed to be such a farce.

Then like a gust of wind for a struggling little kite, a beautiful dark woman appears from nowhere and takes the skeleton from the boy’s hands and takes a look at him.She gives a deep cry, of ‘mercy’ and presses the baby to her milk swollen bosom. The baby starts suckling like a gluttonous little monster.

The boy looks at the woman’s face, an expression of fulfilment and being absolute, garnering all the expressions together.

As the strumming of the guitar begins Martha sees David all lost in his world.

And then, abruptly there is an announcement on the microphone. “This one is for Martha, the woman who has allowed me to grow, literally.”

And he begins with the song,

“As I grew up…I saw the shadows that stalked me
As I grew up…. I saw people who mocked at me
But somebody just knew what I wanted
Like a lighthouse for the men lost at sea
Like fragrance of a flower for a hard working bee
She gave me the nectar called life
thanks mom, thanks to you….”

There was no applause when he finished- that set the seal on his success, he bowed and withdrew amid silence. Still none moved in the hall, until after some time, it was filled with thunderous applause.

The word mom filled Martha’s heart. ‘He is worth dying for’ she thought to herself.

Plunged in reverie she leaves the hall to finally tell the world that ‘her son had grown up.’

"But neither me nor David's mother will ever forgive you Peter."

.................................................................................................

I am not a story writer.
I had thought of sending the story in the competetion that nothingman had mentioned, but checking out such good entries there i felt a little out of place...anyways this one will adorn my blog only. Also it was supposed to be called 'Growth' but now i am going to call it, 'Me and Martha'

To You, With Love

Kirrin had her 2nd final exam today. A little snappy, a little anxious, a little scared but still kinda relaxed; she headed down towards the breakfast table.

Today Sam, her brother, was supposed to drop her to school. As he was cleaning his bike in the porch, the shrilling whistle which was trying to completely annihilate the ‘Summar of 69’ made her feel cantankerous like never before. “Bryan Adams would die if he heard this ‘adaptation’ of his creation.” She thought to herself.

She frowned and ate her breakfast.

A few minutes later he gave a jolted start to the bike and waited for her, honking every two seconds.

She came, climbed and the next moment the bike was airborne.

They had almost reached her school when suddenly another bike was in front of them, all ready to ram into kirrin’s brother’s bike. And as luck would have it, BANG!! It did ram into the bike giving Kirrin such a joggle that she fell down with a thud.

As she was trying to gather herself and her stuff with a shocked open mouth, she heard her brother’s bike take a screechy turn and the next moment- he was gone.

And here she was with a bleeding knee and here he was, her brother who did not bother to look at her, forget taking her to the doctor.

So many years have passed, where turmoil has been a part of the relationship. And it is said that when all is in the state of turmoil, singleness of purpose becomes very important that goads you to achieve something in life.

Kirrin is still waiting.

Her birthdays, so many of them.

Her first job.

Her first salary.

The wait has prolonged a little too much.

Today Kirrin is all set. Sitting pretty and ready, waiting for her knight in shining armour to sweep her of her feet.

Somebody’s jaw trembles as she jumps into her guy’s car.

As the car is about to leave, he comes near her and gazes into her deep brown eyes. He gives her an envelope which says, To You, With Love.

As she opens the envelope, there are 3 words written on the piece of paper, as white as his face and as blank as his eyes,

‘I DO CARE’

She looks back in reverie, and thinks of all the times that she had spent with him.

With tears and frustration there was somewhere a satisfaction of him being around. But when I was sitting on that road all alone with a gash, why did he go away.

She still can’t answer that. But knows that the only man in her life who loves her as much as that knight in shining armour is, him.

………………………………………………………………………………

Brothers can be a little uncanny and we might find it really hard to understand them but they DO CARE. I hope somebody is listening………..!! Don’t mind if I have taken too much of liberty.